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I saw the cartoons as a kid. I saw the first 3 movies. Now the Hobbit is out.
I have not seen it. Instead, I'm Doing the Book first.

I know, I know. It will wreck the movie.

Except it won't. Listen. I've seen the pictures. There is no possible way I'm going to be able to pay attention to the plot with all that ridiculous hotness being swung around. I have no choice. It's just better this way.

However, I think the movie may have spoiled the book a bit. My Bilbo is Martin Freeman with that sweater from Sherlock.

I am fascinated with that sweater. It's become a fetish. I want to hold it up and figure out all the cables. Fucking gorgeous sweater. Yum.

Now onto the book:

I understand why people were freaking out over the Hobbit doors in the movie. The descriptions remind me of Harry Potter. (Don't get your panties in a bunch, it just happened to be the book I read first. Deal.)

OK, so When Gandalf shows up Bilbo is so out of sorts he eats 2 cakes. The next day at tea he's eating cake again. When the first dwarf shows up there's three more cakes before the door even knocks again.

Forget the fact that Bilbo is apparently made of cake, Homeboy hasn't baked anything as far as we can tell, there's just an endless supply of cake in his pantry. In a moment he says he baked 2 cakes since yesterday. He has pantry elves that make cake multiply.

I need this pantry.

Also, Gandalf throws unexpected parties in other people's houses.

Dwarves make quaint little song about wrecking Bilbo's house because he's convinced armageddon will happen if someone chips a dessert glass.


Poor Bilbo. I think Gandalf wants to recruit him for something, but he's just managing to completely terrorize him with scary stories.

Poor Bilbo is having some sort of PTSD episode and breaks down. They prop him up on the couch and keep going with the party.


Also, Dwarves invented golf. Of course they did.

Bilbo is easily bullied into things when his manhood is threatened. He snaps out of his PTSD induced haze to show how fierce he is. By telling the Dwarves they have funny faces and bragging about his ancestors. Werk.

Dwarves pooh-pooh him.


Gandalf admits to vandalism. Then insults everyone. Gandalf is a frat boy.

Boys stop pissing contest, get down to business, but alas, they have a crappy map made by a madman that no one but Gandalf can read. What could possibly go wrong?

Bilbo decides to go on Dragon Hunting Expedition because he likes maps. Even crappy maps.

All boys like secret passage ways, no matter the species. It's like, a law or something. Especially with secret keys. Everybody wants to be a Hardy Boy.

Gandalf announces they're pulling off a heist, like a boss.

Bilbo demands an outline and schedule. Really, I can't picture anyone but Martin Freeman.

The boys have another pissing contest about wealth and dragons. Dwarves are fearless to a fault and get et up. Dragons are pimps. 

And they like eating maidens. WTF is it with dragons and maidens? My only conclusion is that boobs taste good. It's the only option that makes sense. (Except for one theory that's disgusting and I'm a little ashamed to have thought it.)

People in this world have very odd ideas of ownership and property rights. 

Greatest line ever: 
"blah blah, once I was in the dungeons of the big scary ass necromancer--"
"what were you doing there?"
"Never you mind."

LOL whut?

Dwarves consider paying off Necromancer. Gandalf poop-poohs them.

Bilbo tries to convince everyone to go to sleep and he'll send them off in the morning. Dwarves put in their breakfast orders.

NOW Bilbo gets irritated everyone else is rude. He decides to be a grumpy Hobbit and not fix breakfast.

One of the Dwarves sings Bilbo to sleep. Iz adorable.








Cross posted at Dreamwidth, LiveJournal, Insane Journal, and JournalFen.
My fanfic is archived at fanfiction.net, teshara.com, ArchiveofOurOwn.org, thepetulantpoetess.com, and adultfanfiction.net. Thanks for reading!

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( 1 comment — Leave a comment )
bloodcult
Jan. 5th, 2013 02:25 pm (UTC)
The thing is the movie is great but it should be called not The Hobbit, but The Hobbit, Silmarillion and Appendices but thats a little unweilding for a film title.
( 1 comment — Leave a comment )

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